I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
