She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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