I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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