I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
