So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
