you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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