My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
