She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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