just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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