i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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