I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize