Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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