she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
