it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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