I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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