There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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