...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
