I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
