I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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