What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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