dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Randomize
