I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize