just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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