Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize