Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
