You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
even my farts smell like vagina
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
