At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
