your room smells of hookers.
And success
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
