Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
