i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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