You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
