If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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