Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
