He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
NoShamevember. You game?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
