apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
