how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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