Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
