Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize