I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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