He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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