My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
