I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
