I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
