im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
