The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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