I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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