I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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