I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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