I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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