i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
