I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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