Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
