is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
